Ryan Swanson: Welcome back to the Satisfied Program on the Thee Generation Podcast. This is Ryan Swanson, and we’re starting episode number four in our series on emotional purity. Last month, we covered an interesting topic looking at what God expects from singles, and am I in a point where I’m useless in God’s cause or does He have a mission for me at this time? I trust you went ahead and did your homework, which was to go look up the GoMission podcast and learn about your mission that God has for you. 

But now we’re continuing on in Genesis chapter 2. We’ll be referencing that several times during this podcast and really starting off with one question and that is, why was Eve so special to Adam? I asked this question a couple weeks ago in a Sunday school class; I had two answers in mind, and I got both of the answers right away from those in the class. So, you may be thinking the same thing. Hopefully you’re getting them. Two things, specifically, and no doubt we could come up with more, but two things that strike me. This is why Eve was so special to Adam. 

First of all, could we say that it was because she was created for him? Absolutely. We know that to be true, and we know that to be true for us as well today; that God has the intention of creating someone for you. If we were to look in the New Testament, we see in Paul’s epistles him making the point that it was the woman that was created for the man, and God still is in the business of caring so much about every young man and every young lady that he hand tailor makes somebody just for you. And that, of course, to Adam was a very special thing. She was tailor-made just for him. 

What would be the second thing we’d say? Well, She was the only one, right? Now you might say, yeah, Adam had it so easy. He just, he only had one. There was no choice in the matter — he didn’t have to sift through so many to find the one that God had for him. He had it so easy because she was the only one. But what if that principle of the only one is something that we can actually apply to our relationships today? That was something that in my courtship and engagement and in our marriage has been a special phrase to my wife and I. In fact, engraved on the inside of each of our wedding rings and we didn’t know that the other person was going to do it as well, but we both ended up with engraving the only one on the inside of our wedding bands. And that’s a special thing because it has meaning behind it. But what does it really mean to be the only one? For someone else to be your only one? Is it just the only one that you live with? Is it the only one that you say, “I love you” to? The only one you fantasize about? The only one you ponder, admire, appreciate, or notice? What does that actually mean that they are the only one in your life? 

Last week I told you that we were going to break this down and discuss where this issue of emotional purity goes wrong — where it all begins. I mentioned a progression that we’re going to be walking through right now. Let me just say upfront, the point in this, although it could get a little bit mechanical, is not to be introspective or really just to think, “man, if I don’t understand this, I’m just gonna mess up if I don’t get every point he’s trying to make and every aspect of this progression.” Not really, that’s not the point. My main point is actually where it begins. So, we’re gonna walk through the whole thing and then we’re gonna come back to the beginning. Bear with me as we go through this progression, but I really think it’ll make sense in the end. 

So, the beginning of the progression is something I would call notice. It’s that double take. When something grabs your attention, someone from the opposite gender walks by and you notice their eyes or their hair or whatever it is and it’s just, wow, you do a double take and really just notice that. It’s just an initial observation. 

So then from there you could say, man I really like those eyes. Okay, that’s the next level. We call that appreciating. So we’ve gone from just noticing to now it’s personal. I like that — I like that about that person. That’d be appreciate. 

So now let’s take a step further. What if we begin now to admire, and we’re thinking on other characteristics about that person? I like the eyes, I also like the hair, and they’re just a nice person all around. You know, I just admire that person. 

So then from there we begin to think on that person even when they’re not around. That would be pondering. Notice, appreciate, admire. Now we’re pondering. We’re dwelling on traits of that individual even when they’re not around. This is a little bit different situation. It’s a step further. They’re not there and we’re still thinking about them. 

So then comes fantasize. That’s when you’re imagining circumstances when the two of you could interact or have a conversation together or be open about your feelings for one another in some way. Even if it’s just thinking, man, I’d love to tell her that I really appreciate her hair or whatever it is, you know, it wouldn’t be that big a deal just to tell her that that’s a nice dress you’re wearing today I like that, or maybe it’s a character aspect of their character that you’re wanting to comment on and just say you know I really appreciate this about you; so you’re finding yourself fantasizing — we wouldn’t think of it in that way — but you’re thinking oh man, if we had some kind of interaction and I told them this, that would be great. I would really enjoy that. That would be the right thing to do. We find ourselves actually enjoying even just the thought of that interaction that we could have with them. 

Now, one thing I want to make clear, at the fantasizing stage, you’re probably not thinking this is actually going to happen. This is just this initial stage where you’re imagining it, getting enjoyment out of the thought of it, but you’re probably saying to yourself, but I’m never gonna do that. We’re never gonna have that conversation. This is never gonna happen. However, the more you think on it, it’s going to come inevitable. You’re gonna move to the next stage, and that is planning. 

So we’ve moved from pondering and fantasizing to now we are planning; an action is finally considered. You’re thinking this may actually be something I could tell them. I don’t think it’s that bad. I think there’s a place I could do this where no one would see it and no one would think it was strange, whatever, and you’re planning out the words you’re going to use. 

And now you begin to take actions to make that happen in the pursue stage. So now you’ve gone a step to manipulating circumstances to allow for this interaction that is in some ways infatuating you, and then beyond that when you finally take those steps, you initiate —confrontation is made with this other person. You carry on this conversation, whatever it is, you have that interaction, and when that interaction has taken place, you are then enjoying whatever high you are getting from that in which we learned a couple podcasts ago in the in the podcast called One Desire — go back and listen to that if you haven’t listened to it — but we’ve learned that any interaction that we’re enjoying with the opposite gender than is a type of intimacy, any special interaction in that way, and this would fall into that category. So, that means that when you pass into this initiate stage, confrontation is made, now you are actually indulging in some kind of a spiritual, emotional, or physical intimacy with that person. 

So notice, appreciate, admire, ponder, fantasize, plan, pursue, initiate, indulge. If you need to go back through and listen to that, that’s fine to just get kind of the flow of what we’re speaking on. But again, I want to actually answer the question of where this starts though. Like, where is the first step in the wrong direction? Because if I had all of the listeners in one room right now and if I ask for a raise of hands for all those that think it starts at notice and then, okay, what about appreciate? Raise your hand. And no, what if it starts at admire? Raise your hand. We would probably have people raising their hand on every single level of the progression as far as what they think is the first wrong step, the first thing that’s inappropriate. And that’s why our discussions of emotional purity generally aren’t very helpful because we all have a different perspective on where it begins. 

Now hopefully we’d all be on the same page once we’re in the indulgence stage that, yeah, we’ve got a problem. But, we can’t just discuss emotional purity in the indulgence stage and say don’t do that because we’re not going to know where the first step is where we’re going wrong. What we’re going to do at this point is actually go through every single one of the levels again, except we’re going to work backwards. We’re gonna start with indulgence; we’re gonna work backwards and I’m gonna give you examples personal examples — hypothetical examples — thankfully, from my wife and I, and I really want you to consider this as I walk through the different levels, again going backwards through this and for you to decide what is appropriate and what is not appropriate inside this marriage relationship, okay? As I give you examples of myself and this hypothetical person, a third person, a third party in our relationship, another lady besides my wife and I — and let’s call her Susie because I don’t think I know another Susie so that makes it really convenient. Okay? So we’re gonna go with Susie. 

Now obviously in the indulge stage, once again, I’m hoping we’re all on the same page there. If I’m enjoying some type of spiritual, emotional, physical intimacy with that person, we got a problem, okay? If something is that special to me, I’m carrying out that conversation and really enjoying something from this other young lady while I’m doing it, then we’ve already got a problem. No matter what my long-term intentions are, that’s not the point. If there’s any kind of enjoyment coming, any fulfillment coming from that, from that conversation or that relationship we got a big problem. Okay, that’s the indulgence stage. But let’s back up. 

Okay, let’s go to the initiate. So what if my wife just sees me carrying on an extended conversation with a girl, or just kind of laughing and just you know enjoying time and extended time, whatever it is, with another girl. Could that raise questions? Yeah, absolutely. That’s not a position I want to be in. It’s not one that my wife would love to see me in. So let’s back up again.

Let’s go to pursue stage, okay? This is where we would say actions are taken; the manipulation happens. If my wife knows that I am trying to work things out, so, let’s say Susie and I are in the same prayer group every week or something like that. Yeah, that’s going to be a problem, okay? Even if nothing’s happened, even if no conversation have happened. If I’m working things out so that we have our paths are crossing frequently, yeah, we’ve got a problem.

Okay, let’s back up again. Some of these initial ones are gonna be obvious, but I think you’ll understand why we’re going all the way through this. Okay, let’s back up again. Let’s go to the planning stage. Now next week actually is my wife and I’s first anniversary and we’ve celebrated about every monthiversary since our marriage. But this one is actually an anniversary. So we’re looking forward to that but let’s just say that next Saturday comes and my wife says so are we did are we doing something and I said well What do you mean? And she said well, I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner or do something like that. If I just said, well, I had plans with Suzy tonight. Yeah. No, that’s not gonna go over very well, so here at the planning stage we can pretty clearly obviously see planning going on to be with another person, no matter when it is, even if it’s not just on an anniversary, but no matter when it is, planning like that going on to have that special time — nope, we’re gonna back up again. Definitely not comfortable with that stage. 

Okay, let’s go back to fantasizing. So my wife comes into the living room and let’s say I’m sitting in my favorite couch sipping my moxie, which, actually I am sitting in my favorite couch sipping my moxie right now, so that works out. If you don’t know what Moxie is, it’s a soft drink from my home state of Maine. It’s absolutely epic and it’ll keep you going even when you’re working to record late night podcasts, so I definitely recommend that. Someone just brought me two cases of it back from Maine, so appreciate that. 

But anyway, I’m sitting in my favorite couch, sipping my Moxie and my wife comes up. I’ve got a big smile on my face and my eyes are closed. I’m just kinda, you know, head back, just enjoying life. And my wife says, a penny for your thoughts. And so I look at my wife, big smile on my face, and I say, yes, I was just imagining having this conversation with Suzy on Sunday. Yeah, that’s probably not gonna go over well. A little odd, me just sitting there on the couch, imagining having a conversation with Suzy, like that’s really special to me. So special, I’d be sitting in my favorite spot on the couch, sipping my Moxie, thinking about that moment. Okay, so yeah, we’re not comfortable with that. 

Let’s back up again. So my wife comes into the living room, she sees me on the couch, sitting in my favorite spot, sipping my moxie, and she says, a penny for your thoughts. But this time, all I say is, Suzy. Now I’m not imagining even at this point any kind of interaction, I’m just thinking, just pondering about Suzy. Still again, probably gonna earn myself a slap on the face or something like that, okay? So we’re not comfortable with that stage. 

Let’s back up again. So now we are at admire. This is when you begin to focus on the person themselves, not just facts about them. And let’s say my wife just kind of finds out maybe in conversation that I know a ton about Susie. You know, I just, I began telling her like, have you noticed this about her, and this, and you know, her birthday is this, and she has this color eyes and all these things that I know of, that I admire about Suzy. Yeah, that’d be a little odd. Okay, definitely not comfortable with that. 

Let’s back up again. How about appreciate? If I’m with my wife and Suzy walks by and I just say, you know, Suzy is one of the nicest girls I know. She’d probably go, and? Like… what are you trying to say here? So yeah, not even comfortable with just appreciating. If I’m telling her, hey, Stephanie, have you ever noticed Suzy’s eyes or her hair or whatever, you know, my wife’s gonna really think, is there something wrong with my eyes or my hair or something like that, you know? So, no, I’m not even comfortable with that. 

So we’re walking all the way through. There’s only one step left in our progression, only one left and it’s notice. So I’m with my wife and Susie walks by and all I do is do a double take. Man, I see those eyes or whatever it is and I just do a double take. Now, do you think my wife would notice that? Yeah, I think she would. I think any wife would. But could it actually be wrong for me to notice, just notice, someone else other than my spouse? Well, this is actually a pretty significant point of conflict within marriages, is women finding their husbands taking a glance at someone else. And being somewhat attracted to, even just an initial glance attracted to someone else. 

So, I’m gonna go and take you to an authority on this topic, an authority on the marriage relationship, and that is marriage.com. Okay, now seriously, I’m going to take you to a discussion on this topic from marriage.com. And let’s see if we agree with their synopsis of this. They ask the question in a certain article, Why does a man look at other women? This is coming from a woman’s perspective and clearly asked by a woman herself who was offended by what her own husband’s doing, and so she’s asking this question. So marriage.com did a massive list, I think, I don’t know, I think it might’ve been 12 different reasons. I think it was maybe more, maybe 20 different reasons of why your man is looking somewhere else. But ultimately, they pretty much all boiled down to one. And that one reason was we all are going to be attracted to beautiful things. And it’s really okay because your husband is just noticing beautiful things. Just like, and it gave this example, just like we all would admire flowers and would be taken away by that, a glance at or the scent of a beautiful flower that we’re passing, just in that way, a man cannot help himself but admire women. 

Now are we comfortable with that? I have a big problem with that actually, a big problem. Let’s say I’m in a flower garden and there’s all kinds of different flowers, but let’s just say there’s five different types of flowers right in front of me, and someone says, you know, they’re beautiful, but what’s your favorite? And I could legitimately say, you know, they’re all beautiful, they’re all great, no favorites. But if my wife is standing there with four other girls and someone says, which one’s your favorite? Do you think it’s any different? If I just kind of put my hands up and, you know, they’re all attractive. How’s that going to go? Yeah, that, no. Nor is it true. There is a reason, and I want to drive this point home. There is a reason that I am committed to one woman, and it’s because she’s the only one that God made for me. 

Now lest you think that’s just cliche and doesn’t really mean anything, let me explain exactly what I mean by this. I remember a very specific moment in our engagement at which I realized switches were being flipped inside of me that had never been flipped before. Even though there was no physical contact —it was just a relation, an emotional relationship with my fiance at the time. There was something going on that had never happened before. And, I made a decision, a commitment at that time. Because she was the only one that had done it up to that point, I decided that Stephanie is going to be the only one that ever flips those switches. She’s going to be the only one that ever gets close to my heart. No one else is coming in. So you know what that means for me? You know, I’ve got bad news for every young man that’s listening. Every young man. I sincerely apologize. But I’ve married, literally, the only beautiful woman on the planet. I’m sorry. I mean, it’s selfish, I know. But she was created for me, not for you, so tough loss. But I got the only beautiful one on the planet. 

So go ahead, line my wife up with four other young ladies and say, which one’s your favorite? And you know what I’m going to say? I’m not picking a favorite. There’s only one up there. There is only one that’s even close. I don’t tell my wife that she is my favorite. I don’t tell her that. I tell her she’s the only one. There’s no runner-up. There’s no second, third, fourth, fifth. There isn’t. She is the only one. If I’m putting her at a first out of five, and that means that implies that there’s a close second, and there’s just not. There is no one else I would ever notice. There is no one else I would ever consider. There is no one I would appreciate, admire, ponder. There’s no one else. She is the only one on my radar. It can be that way guys. And honestly that’s not just what every woman wants and what she wishes would be possible with her husband or her man someday. That’s what every guy wants. Every guy wants to be able to say that. Every guy wants to be able to live that out and only notice one person. But sadly they just think it’s not possible that God couldn’t do that for me. Yeah, God did it for Adam because she was the only one there, but there’s too many around me. It’s just going to happen. I’m going to notice others.

Honestly guys, you’re selling yourself short on what kind of purity is actually available to you. God can do so much more than that. There is so much, a relationship so much more special than just this is, I got to try to decide on, pick the best out of five or whatever it is. No, this isn’t about having a top three or a top five, trying to come up with the best, and so you’re weighing the pros and cons of these different—there’s only one on the list. There’s only one there. That’s it. And by the way, it frustrates me just as much when I hear someone even—it might be even a preacher from the pulpit. You might have heard some say that — give an illustration, and it’ll say, yeah, this attractive woman came up to me, or the pastor’s pretty wife was telling me this, and a preacher even saying that from the pulpit. And, man, I hope no preacher ever says that about my wife from the pulpit because we may have a meeting at the altar, it’s a little different than what he’s looking for. You don’t talk about my wife being attractive. There’s a difference between saying a woman with brown hair walked up to me and saying that an attractive woman walked up to me. One is just a factual observation, another one is very personal, it’s subjective, it’s what you viewed as being attractive and, man, if a preacher is getting up there and saying about that about my wife. No way! I would ask that preacher, how does your own wife feel about you being attracted to my wife? 

And this is how blind we are to this aspect of emotional purity. Let me tell you young person, the world and even the Christian culture that we live in will tell you it’s okay to be attracted to every other person that walks by as long as you keep your commitment to one. That is just not how it works. There is something so much greater than that available to you. It is possible to have only one that you even notice. Only one — only one. That’s how God’s created to be. God has created you to be attracted to one. I can tell you it is a wonderful thing to only have one —only one. Not just the only one I’m living with, only one I love, but, only one I’ll ever notice. She’s the only one. 

So now I’m hoping that we’re all on the same page in that way. But, as far as practical steps, I understand most of you out here listening to this are still single. So, a question you might be asking is, I mean that all sounds great, but if I never notice anyone, I’m never going to get married. So how is that possible? I want you to understand — my point in this podcast and in the series is not that we would make marriage more rare, because it might come across that way. Like, man, no one’s gonna end up getting married after listening to this. No, that is definitely not the case. It’s not that marriage would be more rare, but that it would be more valuable. I want your marriage someday to be as valuable as the first one. So special, because Adam found the one that was created for him. And she was literally the only one on the planet. That’s awesome. I’ve got one too. The only one. She’s the only one and God has one out there for you somewhere.

So this isn’t about making marriage more rare. It’s making it more valuable — more special. Your marriage can be just as special as the first one. That’s why we’re going through what it means to have total emotional purity. So, I guess we could say the point of this discussion is not that you wouldn’t notice anyone. It’s that you would notice only one. 

In the next few months we’re going to make a slight transition here into, rather than just the defensive side at the dangers from our emotions, let’s start discussing how God does want to lead you. Not through your emotions, but how God does want to lead you to one that He has for you. What’s this going to look like? What can we expect? No, it’s not going to be a steps one, two, and three, and then boom, you’ve got it. But we’ve got some principles from scripture we need to go through that are going to help guide you into this very, very crucial step in your life. But before we get to that discussion, you’ve got several weeks here to really ponder what we’ve just gone over, this progression. I want you to think through different areas, even as a single person at which you’re starting to make your way down these levels. Maybe there’s multiple people, multiple individuals of the opposite gender that you you could look at and say, yeah, I’m kind of working my way down here. I’m pondering or I’m fantasizing or I’m planning something out. Or maybe you’re just saying, man, there’s too many on my radar right now. My list is too long of those that I admire and those I appreciate or whatever it is. 

And so, you need to take that to the Lord. So, before we get to a discussion on how God does want to lead you, why don’t you take several weeks and get serious about what it means to clear the slate so that God can place someone in your life. Ask God to bring you to a point of emotional purity at which you never thought possible. He wants to do it, and He can. We’ll look forward to talking next time as we continue this discussion and learn to be less gratified and more satisfied with Jesus Christ.