Janna Faith: Hello, I’m Jana Faith.

And I’m Anna Faith.

And welcome to episode 26 of Faith Talks.

Well, we are excited today because we are doing a first time.

We have never had a guy speak on faith talks before, but it is happening in live action today.

So we obviously have been on our theme of relationships, and we were thinking just about the brother-sister relationship, just how important that is and really something that most of you out there listening probably have and interact with and encounter every day.

So we were thinking about that, and really it’s hard to do a podcast on that without having the other side.

You know, you can have the sister, but then just talking about this, just having it from the sister’s perspective isn’t quite as helpful.

So we thought we would bring in a brother to have the brother-sister relationship.

So we’re excited to have Stephen Gilmore here with us today.

Anna Faith: And if you haven’t put the connections together, he is my brother and basically Jana’s brother too. from growing up so close together.

So Stephen, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Stephen Gillmore: Well, I will begin by saying that I’m so excited to be here and to be the first guy on this podcast.

Well, I’m the third of nine siblings and I love my place because I get to look up to some pretty awesome brothers and I also get to reach down and pull up the younger one funny thing here last night I just happened to be at the Schultz house and I do want to say congratulations to my cousin Jana she is taken amen okay I’m not sure how that sneaked on the

Janna Faith: podcast but yes for all of you listening out there um i was i got engaged last night so that was very exciting and maybe you listened to the beginning of the podcast and thought that’s who the visitor was but no no not this time just good old me just good old bobs yeah he was there he was hiding in that poison ivy like a like a trooper up there right i was there up in the poison ivy on the

Stephen Gillmore: rocks.

It was amazing.

I’m so proud of myself, but I’m more proud of them.

They did it.

They got engaged.

So congratulations.

But the reason why I bring that up is because I was at their house and I saw this sign and it said, our family is one tent away from a full blown circus.

And I was there and I looked over to my friend Judson who happened to be sitting next to me.

And I says to him, you know what, Judson, our family is a full-blown circus.

And if you know anything about us, right, Jan and Midge, that is the truth.

It is a circus.

We have a party.

So for all our shortcomings, we are coming along.

And I love being in the Gilmore family.

Anna Faith: Same.

I also love that.

And I love our late-night parties. all the fun things we do together.

So would you just share your perspective from the guy’s side, the brother’s side, just on what the brother-sister relationship looks like and how the listeners can be helped from your side of your perspective on this?

Well, I’ve come to realize that it is so,

Stephen Gillmore: so special.

And it’s a very real relationship, which prepares you for opposite gender relationships all around you in the present, but then also for the future.

I have five sisters.

So this is something I get a lot of practice at.

At least I should, and I’m trying, but that’s what I would say from the guy side.

It’s something as a guy you don’t want to miss out on.

You’re going to miss

Janna Faith: out on a lot of things in the future.

And I also feel like each sister you’re going to have a different relationship with too so even having five like there’s a lot of different personalities and it is interesting thinking of your family although like you guys are all crazy like you are so different like each one of you is like well I mean it’s like the circus you’ve got an elephant and then got the tightrope walker and then you’ve got the fire breather and I think you got them all in there yeah well I know um you guys have a lot of fun but I know there are difficulties obviously There’s always difficulties in relationships.

How has God just changed your thinking through that?

Stephen Gillmore: Right.

Well, he’s done an amazing work in my life, which I mainly keep to myself because it’s all a work in progress.

And this is not the end of my life.

I feel like I’m just beginning in working with my sister relationships.

But sometimes everything has been difficult because relationships are really the most valuable asset you have.

They bring the most encouragement when they’re close, and when they’re on the rocks, nothing really brings you more discouragement.

And it’s really the whole theme of the Bible.

I would sum it up in one word, relationship.

There’d be no point to this universe if there wasn’t humans on it.

God wanted a relationship with man, and so we experience that relationship and the relationships he puts us in all around us with other humans like our

Janna Faith: siblings.

Now, how can how can this relationship, the brother sister relationship, how can that

Stephen Gillmore: prepare you for future opposite gender relationships?

So I got a lot of stuff here, but I’m not gonna go through all of it.

But I want to go through some points, which I kind of made them kind of pithy to help you remember.

But here they are.

So value before you pursue, want before you have, choose before you feel, die before you live, hurt before you heal, give before you get, walk before you run, affirm before you advise, person before project, think before you speak, and accept before you assess.

Okay, I’m going to ask the ladies here, which one do you want me to go through first?

Oh, they were all good.

You want me to just start with the first one?

Sure, yeah, that’s a good one.

Okay, so this is value before you pursue, and this is where all starts.

Your relationship with your sibling does not actually start there.

It begins with your relationship with God.

Your understanding of their value to God must be the basis of your relationship with them.

You have to find out for yourself from God himself what their worth is to God.

And this, Jana asked me earlier, how has God changed your life?

And when I got a hold of this, Love became so much easier.

It became fun.

In fact, I loved the fight of it.

This coincides with realizing your worth to God.

So here it is.

Anyone, okay, listen to this.

Anyone who would die for you would be valuable to you, right?

Like if I were to die for my sibling, that would show that I probably love them.

What does that mean? that I value them.

So listen to this point, ladies.

How much more than is your worth if God would die for you?

And he did.

Man, that is amazing.

I could cry right now about that.

Now we know that, but he did.

God died for you when you were his enemy and he loves you.

That is where it all starts.

You can win it in any relationship when you know how badly God wants his relationship with you.

So here’s my number one strategy for loving my siblings.

I say these things to myself when I get up in the morning.

This is where it begins.

You just start talking with God and it’s so special.

And I begin telling God things like this.

God, I’m not here for me.

I’m here for you.

I’m not asking you to meet with me.

I’m here to meet with you.

I love you.

I want you.

I don’t care if you answer my prayer or not.

I’m here for you.

And when you’ve decided that the relationship is not going to be about you, but about the other person, you are going to win.

It is going to work.

So then I go through this little system.

God values them, so I value them.

He wants to love on them.

But the Holy Spirit doesn’t have a mouth.

So what he does is uses our mouths to tell others what he would tell them.

So I look at my sibling and I think, what I do is just say, Holy Spirit, what would you say?

What would you tell Anna Faith right now if you were sitting right here?

And then I begin to remember when I’m with God, how valuable I feel to him.

I feel so valued.

I feel so loved.

And then I literally just relay the message and I tell NFA, I love you.

What I’m first doing is just representing the Holy Spirit and saying, he wants to say I love you, but maybe you’re not hearing it, but he wants to say it out of my mouth.

And so I literally obey.

It comes down to a matter of obedience.

And so at first they’ll think that I’m loving them.

Like, oh, wow, they really, they really love me.

My brother loves me. and I’ll be like I don’t know if I do or or not but I’m starting not with me I’m starting with God and so I’ll just relay the message but here’s the cool thing they don’t know that I don’t feel like it yet so this works even though I feel like I’m pretending then the emotions engage because the recipient is sensing true love that goes behind yourself and then you begin to want to relay the message yourself and then then you’re in it and then you begin to say I love you and it works because you didn’t start with you and it’s not about you and it’s not about them even it’s about God and you’re bringing that person closer to God oh oh I love this stuff you gotta get this ladies it is foolproof it will work every single time now I know the secret sauce it is the secret sauce as Aunt Rhonda would say, it is the formula.

Janna Faith: She would say.

And I think it’s cool, too, because it works in any relationship.

It does.

Anybody.

Because God loves your mom, so that relationship to your mom, or God loves your dad, or God loves your friend, or God loves your, as we’re studying here, your sibling.

But really, since for God so loved the world.

Stephen Gillmore: Right.

We love him because he first loved us.

Exactly.

That’s where it starts.

Anna Faith: Yeah.

And understanding his love for another person is key to loving them.

That’s something I didn’t realize until recently.

Stephen Gillmore: I’m all worked up now.

I love this stuff.

Anna Faith: But when you understand his love to them and you understand how much he loves you, then it blows your mind.

Janna Faith: And isn’t that what the fruit of the Spirit’s all about?

Because the fruit, it’s not fruit of yourself.

Like, oh, these people have more fruit of the Spirit than I.

No, it’s the Spirit.

It’s the Holy Spirit that even gives you that ability to even have love.

Stephen Gillmore: And let me just say this to conclude that point.

Working on a relationship is working on what God values the most.

So that can be so incredibly exciting when you’re working on it because it’s pretty hard going back and forth, especially when you’ve hurt that person and that person’s hurt you.

It’s hard.

So you need a basis outside of yourself, and God is there for you.

Janna Faith: Now, I think this one almost goes with the third one you said, choose before you feel.

It kind of does tie with that.

Stephen Gillmore: Exactly, it does.

Janna Faith: You’re choosing to love because the Holy Spirit loves before you might feel that love.

Stephen Gillmore: Yeah, so we can just cover that point quickly.

Decisions come before feeling.

Love is first a choice.

I’m not saying it’s not a feeling.

Don’t get me wrong.

Because when I love someone and you say you love someone, the feelings are engaged.

I have a lot of affection for them.

But it first starts with a choice, which is so exciting.

That means you can do it any time because feelings come and go.

But choices you can make anytime.

So I’ve done all sorts of crazy things to my siblings when I felt like nothing.

But the cool thing is they didn’t know.

So I wasn’t trying to deceive them.

It’s just that I was trying to love them when I didn’t feel like it.

And it induced more love.

Anna Faith: Do you want to go over the want before you have?

Stephen Gillmore: Some of you are probably thinking about a relationship right now with a sibling, and it literally feels impossible.

But I just want to say that if you want to have your relationship, you’ve got to want it.

Now, thankfully, you actually do.

You actually do have it.

And I think one of my greatest motivations for pursuing my relationships with my siblings is just knowing that I won’t have much time. it goes by so fast.

Time goes by so fast.

Even if you’re a young person, you know how a school year comes and goes.

And you think about the things that we say, and we’re going to give an account of every idle word before God.

That’s a big deal.

That is a big deal.

And so you do have this relationship, and you’ll never get it back.

I’ve thought of this summer, even as Jana’s gotten engaged, I’m thinking, wow, she’s moving from, you know, these sibling relationships into a new relationship.

Things change.

You can never really be exactly the same again as you were when you were in the nest.

And you were another little chickie with all the other little chickens in the nest.

And you really do lose a sense of relating to that sibling once you get married.

And some of you ladies are just looking forward to that day.

Well, that’s great.

I’m glad you are because marriage is a good thing.

But when will you get a hold of what’s in front of you?

So you gotta, so you gotta realize that you do have it.

But then if you are going to really have it, if you’re going to have your relationship, you have to want it.

You have to be all in no

Anna Faith: matter the cost.

I think sometimes as girls, we like for the action to happen to us before we give.

Yeah, I get it.

So even all you girls out there, you have to make the choice.

Do I really want this?

So am I going to try?

And even some relationships, I’ve recently just been thinking about this, man, I haven’t even really tried in that relationship at all.

If I tried, it would probably be completely different and if I show if I even just start showing love in small ways it’s gonna open up the door for that relationship I’ve always wanted and I’ll give this example too one time I was

Stephen Gillmore: texting a certain sister I won’t say who it was and just saying things like I love you texting heart emojis because I was in it and one thing I’ve learned to do is when I actually have the feeling when I actually have the affection to act on it when I’m driving my truck suddenly feelings will hit me for a certain sibling or sister and I’ll be I’ll stop what I’m doing and I will text that sibling I love you here her emoji hearts hearts hearts you know or whatever whatever you want to do but that’s so important but the next day after I was doing that she texted me back hey you have no idea because I didn’t know I’m like oh what am I doing I’m just trying to help I’m trying to show love, you know, probably not working.

And then the next day she texts, you have no idea what you’re doing.

I was actually discouraged that day.

You know what that did for me?

Lifted my spirits.

Oh, it was amazing.

And this brings me to my next point.

Die before you live.

Sometimes you got to lose before you win.

There must come in your life and utter death to self.

I’m not kidding.

This sometimes, I’m not talking about something that’s not hard here.

I’m not trying to say that relationships are easy.

They’re hard for a reason because they’re the best things.

The best things are usually the hardest things to tackle.

There’s been some times where my heart was literally hurting and I told another sister, like, I don’t know what’s going on.

This hurts so bad.

I think I’m taking this too seriously.

I’ve grown to my bed all night.

I have.

I really have, twisting and turning, wondering how I could ever take back the words I had said.

Oof, I’ve cried before.

And engaging in this relationship is going to be an all-out fight against self.

It’s a battle, but I’m expecting to win it because my relationships aren’t about me.

And I’m really just stewarding them for God, and that’s such an incredible privilege.

Anna Faith: Something I was thinking about when you were talking about relationships earlier, My grandpa recently passed and we were going through the things in his house.

And there were two things that was everywhere.

Verses of scripture on the walls everywhere.

But the second thing that was also everywhere was pictures of people.

And just realizing, you know, all that stuff.

You think like, this is my grandpa’s stuff.

But wait a second, it’s not his stuff anymore.

And just thinking of the frivolity of all the things in this world.

It doesn’t matter. but all those relationships that he built throughout his life.

He was a traveling evangelist, so he had a lot of friends.

But just thinking of all those relationships that my grandparents really invested in and just thinking, wow, they’re never going to lose that.

In heaven, they’re going to be reaping the benefits of just their lives of building those relationships and stewarding them for the Lord.

So that was hugely impacting for me to see that.

Stephen Gillmore: And on that point, sometimes you may not know where to, well, usually you probably don’t know where to start, but it does help to look up to older people in your life.

Maybe it’s a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle, and they’re very expressive.

Well, instead of having a victim mentality and thinking, oh, I could never be like that.

What if you just tried?

Just try, you know, have a positive outlook.

And I’ve done that because I thought to myself, well, I’m not very loving.

And I just label myself as some dimwit who can’t get it together and can’t love and I never will love.

When you say you can’t, you never will.

So that’s dumb.

But if you choose to look around you, there’s so many models and you can just exemplify them.

You see someone write a note, write a note.

You see someone make a text message, do it yourself. you see someone being very expressive while listening to you, then do it.

There are so many things you can do.

Don’t tell me you can’t do this.

Janna Faith: That’s good.

That’s good.

Now, on your point about hurt before you heal.

I love this.

What’s that?

What do you mean by that?

This is confusing.

Stephen Gillmore: So I should insert two words before this statement, hurt before you heal.

I want to say you will hurt before you heal.

And getting close reveals hurts. and this hurts.

But get excited.

This is the first step to healing.

Healing takes time and you got to actually let people hurt you.

Listen to me.

If you’re not close enough to get hurt, you’re not really close at all.

Sometimes we think we’re getting hurt.

Okay?

When you’ve stepped out on this adventure, we think we’re getting hurt when we’re finally getting close enough to see a wound that’s already there.

And we’re just opening it up.

Oh, that hurts so bad.

When a sibling, you’re getting close to them and they finally realize, oh, maybe he’ll listen to me.

And then they say something like, by the way, did you know that when you say this to me, it just, it’s not very helpful.

And then you’re like, oh, my word.

That was the one thing I was working on.

Why did you bring that up?

And you feel so angry.

That’s what I’m talking about.

That hurts.

That hurts.

And that’s something.

And you’ve got to listen.

Oh, my goodness.

And then you want to say something and lash out.

And sometimes you do.

And that’s when you go 10 steps backwards.

But don’t quit now.

You’re getting somewhere.

It’s about to get healed.

But no healing takes place overnight.

So just be ready for this.

It’s going to be fun.

Anna Faith: Even just thinking with this and hurts with sibling relationships, I feel a lot of times that your sibling relationships are some of the most vulnerable relationships because you see so many things about your siblings.

You get at each other at so many different little ways, and obviously every sibling relationship is different.

And personally, I could go through each sibling and say, I don’t like this about them.

So just realizing that it is such a vulnerable relationship.

And yeah, you’re going to get hurt, but that’s okay.

And you can actually use those things.

And even as we’ve gotten closer, and obviously we’re on a journey, but as we’re getting closer, as you understand those things about each other, you can actually, I don’t know, bond on those things and help each other, but turn those things to be the complete opposite things. and God can just transform it all.

Stephen Gillmore: Yeah.

Next point, give before you get.

This is kind of obvious, but unconditional love doesn’t give a rip how it’s treated.

And to back that up, just read 1 Corinthians 13.

It’ll give you all the strategies you need and the mentalities you need to win here.

But you just can’t worry about what comes back.

Janna Faith: It’s like that verse you shared, Like we love him because he first loved us.

That like love takes the initiative to be the first one to respond.

Doesn’t wait to feel those feelings or whatever.

Stephen Gillmore: And for any of you, I don’t know why some of you ladies might be involved in this, but maybe hopefully some of you are.

I’ll bring up just basic investing.

But anyone who invests knows that you’re first taking a risk before you get a return.

And it’s the same way in relationships.

It’s the same way in every asset that you have.

And you have to make the choice to decide to give yourself up and make that risk.

And the reward is so great.

I cannot describe to you ladies the physical energy I have had while working a very physical job.

Just from seeing baby steps in my sisters or in a brother or a cousin.

I’m trying to do it on everyone if I can.

And that return comes back to you.

Janna Faith: Oh, the feelings.

Guest Speaker: You sound like you’ve been in Milwaukee.

Janna Faith: Yeah.

You need some positive energy, man.

Stephen Gillmore: Yeah, me on.

Anna Faith: And I think too, like sometimes you’re going to give and you may not ever feel like you got back what you gave.

And that’s okay.

And you just got to give it.

Stephen Gillmore: And that is so Jesus.

Romans 15, early on in the chapter, says, Christ came not to please himself.

And you think about, sometimes it will take a something out, like I’m loving them, and you just do the thing that you want to do.

No, you got to like take them out and do what they would want to do.

Now it’s okay to do what you love too, but I would make that secondary.

Now let me describe walk before you run.

Sometimes you got to go slow to go fast.

In fact, usually you have to if you’re going to see any long-lasting results.

So I would not men is sitting down with them and announcing that you are now going to fully love them.

Sometimes we can jump the gun here.

Look, you don’t even know what that means yet, so don’t tell them

Janna Faith: something like that.

I have an idea.

How about sit him down and say, you know what, I have decided to love you even though I don’t feel it.

Yeah.

So this, when you’re beginning in these baby steps,

Stephen Gillmore: you don’t even need to worry about what decisions you’re making.

You just need to show little interests and steps because you got to be delicate.

You got to remember that you haven’t done anything So if you start, I’m not saying you haven’t done anything, but I’m saying when you have now decided to want your relationship and you’re going to let them know that you have to just take little baby steps.

So a text, an email, a small hug.

Hey, I love you.

An apology might be, but not, you’re not trying to make this huge transition and make all emotional and like try to like live up to something you’ve created.

No, you got to just take it slow.

You got to take it in steps.

We walk step by step by step.

Believe me, things will speed up at a certain point.

You’ll be able to run into the relationship and they will run into you.

Anna Faith: Wow, I like this next one.

Affirm before you advise.

Maybe you know why.

Stephen Gillmore: Yeah, I know why.

Because, oh yeah.

This is probably something I have actually had to learn on Anna Faith the most.

But it has been so good for me.

And one night we had a serious conversation and she said to me, oh, I just feel like I’m hurting people all the time and I’m hurting you.

And I said, no, I don’t think so.

I don’t think you hurt me.

You just hurt my pride.

I think this is actually the best thing for me.

That’s what I said.

But the problem had been is that I am a teacher.

I love to be helpful.

And so sometimes for us, we just love to give our advice to our siblings.

We’re just giving advice, advice.

And we’re never, ever pointing out amazing things that they’re doing or saying you could be good at this.

Or you are so, so good at that.

You should do that.

We’re just giving all these critiques.

And that’s sometimes the only thing.

We’re not thinking about it because we’re just helping.

And I literally actually messed up because I was only telling my sisters, you know what, you should really work on this.

And it was very discouraging for them because my critique was at a much higher percentage than my affirmation.

And so I just completely eliminated that.

What I’m really saying is this means almost never advise at all on your own doing of your own accord. just affirm affirm affirm then your siblings will well they’ll first notice a change and they’ll probably think you’re being weird i don’t know but that’s when you know that this is not about you and so you’re able to stick through that and not get angry or hurt by your siblings when they’re saying stuff like that because you’re morphing into who you really are not into who you want to be but into who god says you are you’re just realizing that that’s all this process is about but your sibling now trusts you and so they’ll come to you for advice because we go to people who love and those are the people we trust those are the people we ask for help and you’ll be able to now give your advice in a very selfless way oh i just love that point so ladies affirm before you

Anna Faith: advise yes yeah i can attest that that works because it actually just happened this morning so

Janna Faith: So there you go.

It does work.

In living color.

I like this next one, person before project.

And it reminds me, so don’t ask me why, but I was looking up quotes with, like, the Pooh Bear characters.

And I found this one for Eeyore, and it reminds me a lot of just, like, caring about the person and not trying to fix them.

So let me read this.

One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures shenanigans with all his friends.

What’s amazing is that they never expect him to pretend to feel happy.

They never leave him behind or ask him to change.

They just continue to show him love.

And haven’t you been in parties or even just with your friends and you, someone’s over there, you know, being an Eeyore, or maybe somebody’s over there being really irritatable or angry.

And it’s really easy to look at somebody and be like, oh, I wish I could just change them or even trying to say things to just get them to be more culturally acceptable or meet your needs better instead of just loving them for who they are.

Anyway, your person before project reminded me of that.

Stephen Gillmore: Exactly.

And this does very well correlate with the last point, affirm before you advise.

If you’re constantly just trying to help a person, they’ll just think that they’re your project.

So that’s where you have to be really delicate and you have to walk before you run in this and just really try to be interested.

But have you ever thought about what it’s actually like to be that person?

You don’t know what they’re going through.

And so you’re just getting irritated at what’s coming out of them, maybe towards you.

But have you ever stopped to think about what is it like to be that person?

And that goes all the way back to my first point of understanding their value. and realizing that they’re a real person.

And so while God, yes, we are his primary project, he sees us as real persons, real people who need a relationship, and he is all in and all there for us.

So don’t see your siblings as projects.

I think Anna Faith maybe posed a question, you know, how to handle maybe some siblings that maybe are off track.

Well, my answer to that would be don’t see them as off track.

Try to realize literally for yourself because it’s so easy to think something negative and then try to respond to this negative understanding of who they are.

But to really get a positive look, like think about how God would and then to go from there.

So don’t see them as projects.

See them as people.

And then, well, of course, it’s a lot of hard work.

It’s like the hardest project you’ve ever worked on with the greatest reward, of course.

You will experience so much happiness.

So don’t analyze, correct, compare yourself, don’t gossip, don’t do all that stuff.

Janna Faith: Now what about think before you speak?

I know I’ve heard that one, but what are your thoughts on that?

Stephen Gillmore: Just, okay, take this with a grain of salt.

So think about, ladies, when you’re talking to a guy who you could really like.

I’m not trying to stir up anything here for you emotionally.

But when you really like someone, you’re so, so cautious.

You think about like every word that you say, it’s got to be right.

You’re not going to say the wrong thing.

If you do, bam, you apologize right away.

And you’re trying so hard.

And they can feel that.

They appreciate that.

That’s nice.

That’s how a relationship should be.

Sometimes we kind of see that maybe as being fake, but no, that’s how we should be.

Thinking before we speak, be courteous, be very polite, say thank you, say you’re welcome.

We forget this.

We say it when we’re out and about, thank you, you’re welcome, but at home, whatever.

That’s my sibling, of course.

They should give it to me.

We’re just so quick with our mouths.

It’s so rude.

I’ve assessed myself before when I walked out of the house, I got to school and I saw the first person in the hallway and I said to them, good morning, just like that.

Well, that sounds pretty nice, right?

And then I thought, but when I walked by my sibling room, did I say it just as nice or did I say it at all?

No, I didn’t.

I looked at the wall.

The wall’s not more important to me than my sibling.

Ugh, people.

I understand that Sometimes making eye contact with people can be awkward, but you’ve got to just put that awkwardness aside.

Sometimes you are going to feel awkward out of your mind, but you’ve just got to relax, stay calm.

Thinking before you speak helps you do that.

Evil words are the worst enemies of relationships, so think about what you say.

It could take, you’re working on this thing, this is your project, I’m going to do this, I’m going to love my siblings, and then boom, you say something nasty and it goes backwards. so on that note even when you mess up though because god is committed to you you know that you can be committed to them so don’t worry about you sometimes you’re going to fail though so don’t feel like you’re going to do this perfectly it’s okay sometimes they’re going to mess up sometimes you’re going to mess up and you just got to have that forgiveness and flexibility and you’ll move forward but never ever ever ever give up i told my dad this a year ago when i was really struggling with certain relationships, I told my dad, I will never.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I think I stink at this game.

But I’m never going to give up.

I know even after I hurt someone, I’m not going to go up.

I’m just going to stay in it.

It’s got to be settled.

Deep down inside, you’re committed, and it’s over.

It’s over.

You got it.

Anna Faith: Do you mind sharing the very last one except before you assess?

Stephen Gillmore: I do not mind at all.

That’s what I’m here for. this is so good I mean I’ve said I love it to every one of my points that’s because I made them but no that is not why it’s because they work they work so accept before you assess there will come a point believe it or not it’s hard to see it but there will come a point when the other person because these steps work they’re biblical and they work and God uses them on us all the time and he brings us back with loving cords, drawing us to himself.

But there will come a time when the person actually accepts your love and begins to do the same thing back at you.

That’s weird.

It’s hard to take at first, actually, because you’re the one who’s doing this.

You are doing this.

And you’re the one who’s loving.

They’re not.

So you are the loving one.

And you can’t love me.

It’s going to be weird.

These weird thoughts come to our mind because we’re trying to work through this and then suddenly it all becomes about us and our progress.

And you actually have to be ready.

And that’s why I want to prep you with this last point.

For when they give it back to you.

So you’ve got to learn how to love, but you also have to learn how to accept others’ love, which actually may be more challenging, especially if someone’s trying to reach into you and you actually begin to feel like, wait, I’m your project now?

Like, what?

But then you have to realize that, of course, every relationship is two-way.

And so this is when it gets really sweet.

But you must simply accept their efforts.

Even if you don’t like it, it makes you feel awkward or someone takes you out.

Don’t say stuff like, this isn’t my favorite restaurant.

Dumb! dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb did you hear what i said that is so oh that’s so sad you they’re trying to make you make your day let them make your day accept it it’s not going to be perfect no one’s love is ever going to be exactly what you like and then sometimes it will but you can’t just analyze just accept don’t start assessing and telling them how they could be doing better when they’re just trying to reach out for the first time.

And you, because you know all my steps, all 11 of them, you know how they are.

So you begin to educate them on this love journey.

No, just be quiet.

I won’t use the other words for be quiet, but you know them and you need to use them and just be quiet and accept it.

Oh, it is so special.

Isn’t it so special when you give a gift and then someone just lights up and says, thank you so much.

Love isn’t just about what you do for others.

It’s about accepting what others do for you, even if you don’t really like it.

It’s not only about extending it.

It’s also about accepting it as our church theme was, I think, last year. you gotta learn how to accept it and that’s hard but I want to wrap up my thoughts with bringing this full circle back to the basis of this relationship which is God’s relationship with us and I do want to point out to you all ladies that our God doesn’t ask of us anything that he hasn’t yet done for us oh that’s so so special some of you might have heard of the five love languages book by dr gary chapman and those five are receiving gifts words of affirmation physical touch quality time acts of service and you might be wondering what what can i do well you can start there with some of those different things i would use all of them that’s what i try to do diversify your portfolio and your investments.

That’s what you got to do.

But think about God here and receiving gifts.

He’s given to me all I need.

God so loved the world that he gave.

Words of affirmation.

He’s made me all I should be.

Any man in Christ is a new creature.

Those are words of affirmation.

Physical touch.

Well, underneath are the everlasting arms.

He embraces me with his presence.

Quality time.

He’s always He’s ready to spend as much time as I want with him.

He says, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.

And acts of service.

He has gone out of his way to serve me.

He did it for the disciples and washing their feet.

Even the Son of Man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister and to give his life a ransom for many.

And let’s check our points here.

God valued you. before he ever pursued you.

He wanted you before he ever had you from the foundation of the world.

He loved you.

He knew what he was going to do.

And he, man, he sweat great drops of blood thinking about what he was going to do for you, ladies, each of you, when you were going to give him nothing back.

And don’t you tell me that you can’t.

You can’t win your brother over. you can’t if god can win you over he can win anybody and you can too because he’s in you he chose you when it wasn’t easy maybe before feeling i don’t know how it works for god but it was a choice for him and he died so that he could live and you’re gonna have to die so that your relationship with your sibling can live.

And he went through all the hurt you could imagine before he has and will experience all the healing you could ever imagine.

He’s going to get a reward for that.

Every knee will bow before him and praise him for that.

He gave before he got anything.

He’s gone slow to go fast.

He walked before he ran.

He knows how to be gentle with you.

Think about when God reaches into your life.

He doesn’t say, boom, move to this next step in this huge whirlwind.

No, he speaks in a still, small voice.

Gentleness, my ladies.

You can do it.

You’re a gentle person.

Ladies are gentle.

You can do this.

Affirm before you advise.

That’s what he does.

He is an affirming God.

He doesn’t just try to point out all your errors.

That’s our accuser.

Satan does that. day and night before the brethren.

Are you doing that day and night before your brethren, your cistren?

Don’t do that.

He saw me as a person before a project.

He’s very wise.

He thinks before he speaks.

And he accepts you before he assesses you.

What a great God.

Build your relationship off of him, ladies, and you will see all of your relationships bud into flowering blossoms and you will love them you will love it it’ll be the best

Janna Faith: part of your life now just practically um i know you had written out some here just some ideas of how you can maybe you could even say strategies of how you can love your siblings do you mind just going through that list and just giving our listeners ideas of just action steps they can take really tomorrow to start building that relationship.

Stephen Gillmore: Well, here’s just a few questions.

Are their words more important than your words?

Do you embarrass them in front of others?

Do you constantly, oh, this gets me.

I’m so bad at this.

Do you constantly look away from them or at your watch when you’re talking with them because you got to go?

Ooh.

Are you calm and just like all in, just waiting, as if you wanted to be with them or as if you were wanting to be with someone super special.

Do you ever say, I love you, all three words, slowly, and look into their eyes as if you meant it?

Do you only disagree or do you make a conscious effort to agree with them?

That’s for me.

Do you believe the best about them?

So, so, so good.

And then here’s some of the things that you can do.

Repeat after me, ladies.

Nothing I can do is just not true.

Say it again.

Janna Faith: Nothing I can do is just not true.

Stephen Gillmore: Yeah, now say it in your car, wherever you are, ladies.

Nothing I can do is just not true.

Here are some strategies you can do this.

Letter, small notes, email, text, phone call, FaceTime call, Marco Polo, or whatever you use.

Small gifts.

I actually love to give Thai Beanie Babies to my sisters.

It’s kind of like my love language for them.

It was one of them, but now I’ve diversified a little bit more.

Janna Faith: I’ve expanded the horizon to squishmallows.

Stephen Gillmore: Yeah, two of my sisters especially are more focused on that.

Show interest in their interests.

Physical expressions, hug.

Hold hands.

Arm around the shoulders.

I don’t mean act like you’re married.

Okay.

Take them out and do something they love, not what you love.

And then after you’ve done that, then you can, they’ll be more interested in what you love.

And then you can pull that into play and they’ll like that and they’ll be fun.

Affirm them.

When they do well at a concert, please, please say good job.

You have no idea what that means to a brother.

They might have felt like they did terribly.

Or your brother is playing a sports game.

I mean, just encourage him.

Don’t point out what he did wrong first.

Just say something nice.

Point out as fast as you can if you like their appearance.

Did you like their hairdo that day?

Or, I mean, don’t try to pick the day when their hair was all over the place and they’re going to think you’re joking and the opposite effect will happen.

But say, I like your tie.

That looks really nice on you.

Those things work.

And then when you’re with them, look, listen, love. point out their successes, celebrate them, go crazy over them, and then show up to their performances of any type.

Just be there.

A lot of relationship is actually just being there.

You’ll be so surprised once you make the selfless choice and you’ve had that death, how easy it is to just do this thing and do that thing.

It’s only a victim, devilish mentality that’ll keep you away from these strategies.

Well, thank you so much.

All

Anna Faith: those points were super helpful.

I know for me, even just understanding just how to even grow my relationships with my brothers and my sisters as well.

But it really does just come down to that relationship and knowing who you are in Christ and who each of your siblings is in Christ.

Yeah, I love you too.

Yeah.

And just really just recognizing how easy it is when you’re walking with the Lord to love them because he gives you that love.

And it’s not about you loving them.

It’s about just everything that Jesus has done in your lives.

And so just thank you so much for that.

And I just encourage you girls as you’re going through your week and through these days that you would just ask God to just work in your heart about these different areas.

And I’d even encourage you to just go back and listen to a part of this podcast maybe that was very helpful for you.

And then just be intentional about what you’re going to do.

Sometimes you have good intentions and it just doesn’t happen.

So make action steps of what you’re specifically going to work on.

Stephen Gillmore: Use a sibling.

Anna Faith: Yeah.

Stephen Gillmore: Accountability partner.

Anna Faith: Yeah.

Stephen Gillmore: That’s a thought.

Anna Faith: As you go about your week, working on your relationships with your brother or your sister, remember that faith doesn’t just talk.

Faith walks.

Guest Speaker: Thanks for joining us for this episode of the Thee Generation Podcast.

If you’ve been blessed or helped in any way by this episode or any other episodes, please consider sharing what God has done in your life.

Your testimony could be exactly what someone else needs to take their own step out of the boat.

Guest Speaker: To share your testimony, please visit thegeneration.org slash testimony.

That’s T-H-E-E generation.org slash testimony. .