Ryan Swanson: Hello and welcome back to the Satisfied Podcast. I’m thrilled to have you here as we begin a new series today. We’ve, of course, been going through a series of stories of victory. As I mentioned, I’d love to come back to that. It was such an encouraging several months going through that, and I’m sure there are many more stories that could be shared. But we’re taking a pause now to go through something I think is crucial in our understanding of how to approach a purity journey. I did reference this at one point a while back. There was a gentleman who came to me for help and counsel in purity, and we were talking it through. He was in my own Cord group for a while, so we had a lot of good conversations. But there was something in particular that he said that struck me at the time, but I didn’t put a lot of thought into it until recently. He said that in a discussion with his wife about the issue of purity, they came up with three things that they said were required in order to view pornography. Three things that we’ll call the prerequisites of pornography, unless I can think of a word that’s easier to say than prerequisite. 

But I haven’t thought of one yet. So for now, that’s what the series will be: The Prerequisites of Pornography. The three things he mentioned were desire, availability, and isolation. Desire, availability, and isolation. Rather than trying to tackle all of these in one episode, I thought let’s split this up into a series. Actually, the way we end it may surprise you. It’s a little bit different than just going through each of these categories. Really, the point, although we’ll learn a lot as we discuss each one of these aspects, is how they all fit together. That’s what has struck me recently—kind of realizing what we’ve missed in our churches. Understanding this truth here is very helpful. 

And as always, as we work through this, you may have feedback and thoughts on this and other verses. I would love to hear those, so feel free to reach out. Several of us are working through this almost in real-time. This is something that the Lord is teaching us. I would be thrilled to learn from your insights as well as we discuss this truth.

So, as we begin and jump into this first one, isolation, I’ll just mention what struck me recently was that in these three areas—desire, availability, and isolation—you can break down pretty much every verse on the area of lust, or that we’ve used to apply to lust. You can categorize them in one of these three categories. I also found that there’s quite a bit of counsel that we give, specific counsel and application, in each of these three categories.

As we talk about one of the categories at a time in each episode here in the series, we will also discuss the verses that apply to that topic. That’s where feedback from you would be really helpful if I’m missing some that you think would apply to that. It’d be awesome to hear those and add them to the list. Then we’ll also discuss counsel you may have heard that focuses on this category, and application for that category as well.

So, we’re gonna kind of work backwards a little bit. I just think it’ll work better for the sake of the series to start with isolation and work back towards what I believe to be the most important, which would be the desire, but we’ll end there and again show how they all fit together. But isolation, I think, though it’s not the most important, is maybe the least talked about. It was missing from me and I think it’s missing for a lot of men and women that are struggling with a pornography addiction. I think for a primary verse and passage on that, we’ve got to go to Ecclesiastes chapter 4 again, though we’ve been there in the past, of course. But let’s again read through these verses in Ecclesiastes chapter 4, starting in verse 9. “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.”

Now, the warning of this verse again is against being alone. It’s not just a warning not to fall. There are other verses that do that. Don’t get me wrong. And we’re even given the promise that there is one who is able to keep us from falling. But this verse in particular is specifically geared towards the time that evidently Solomon is saying is inevitable. There will be a time when you stumble. So how are you prepared for that moment?

He doesn’t get specific. It’s not saying you’re going to have a relapse. This may not look like a relapse. It may be just a smaller compromise. Whatever it is, it’s something that clearly is not walking in the spirit, something that maybe we swore we would never do again. And here we are doing it. How are we prepared for this moment?

Now, if I had asked you at the beginning here of the series what your thoughts were on, and if there were three things required to feed pornography, what would they be? I’m guessing a lot of people would say availability. Well, you’ve got to have access to it. There has to be a source. The desire would probably be assumed in many people’s minds, but I’m not sure that many would get to this aspect of isolation. At least in my mind, it wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when thinking of something that was required. But think of it this way. If somebody has the desire to view, they’re sitting at a computer that’s not locked down at all, they have complete availability, but then his wife leans over his shoulder and is also looking at the screen. Is he going to be tempted at all to search for something inappropriate? I don’t think so, not with his wife. In fact, probably not with anybody looking over his shoulder. Is he gonna be comfortable doing that? Praise the Lord. And when you view it that way, of course, isolation is required.

But see, that’s just physically. So in that case, the answer could be just to have somebody with you everywhere you go. And even if that were somehow possible, it’s not going to solve the issue because so much of lust happens in our mind. And you may be sitting with people all around you in church or in school and still fall to your mind as many of us have in the past. So then what is the solution for that if it’s not just being shoulder to shoulder with people?

If this area of isolation is so powerful and it’s so tragic and dangerous to the extent that Solomon would see the need to write a passage specifically warning his sons of this area of isolation, then there must be a solution. So in what way could we be never alone in not just what we’re looking at, but also what we’re thinking?

When you think about it, you can fall in your mind in a classroom, even with people all around you, not because people aren’t there, but because they don’t know. So being alone in this case is essentially just the fact that people don’t know what’s going on inside your head. People don’t know who you are. They don’t know your strengths, your weaknesses, what a stumbling block might look like to you. They don’t know your history or track record. And certainly not when you have a compromise in your lust. 

See, I list all those things because this is not just an area of isolation about lust. This is really a culture problem in which people know what we want them to know about us, but they really don’t know who we are. And it’s not just a problem with our world. Of course, it’s a problem with the church. This is something that, as churches, my wife and I are burdened by, and our ministry, and I’m sure many others are as well, is to challenge that church culture where we’re not genuine, we’re not real. Because every time you are not genuine, you are isolating. You’re alone to a certain degree. You’re hiding something every time.

So then quickly, what would this look like? Again, what would it look like if we followed the principles in Ecclesiastes chapter 4 in our accountability and to get help in this way? Much of this is review. You’ve heard me go through this, so I’ll go through it quickly. 

I think there are three reasons why our accountability has not lined up with this passage and has not been effective for us. First of all, it’s because it’s not often enough. You’re checking in once a week with your accountability partner, and when you’re accountable once a week, you’re alone for six days. There’s just too much that can go wrong in six days. I don’t have to tell you that. Every one of us knows. But it’s not just that you’re going to relapse on day one and no one knows; it’s that you’re going to take smaller compromising steps in that direction. Because there’s no one else there to say, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t have done that, that’s going in the wrong direction,” or to help you recognize where those steps are leading, or because maybe you knew they were wrong but you weren’t accountable to make sure you didn’t go any further, then you end up eventually in relapse. Our accountability is not often enough.

The other thing is what you do every day will change you, not the things you do once a week. If you think through things that you do on a daily basis, what you eat, of course, is going to change you. If you work out, that will change you if you do it on a daily basis. The things you listen to, the things you watch—every person in one way or another is characterized by the things they do every day. So then something so important as this in guarding against this, at least this category of isolation, of course, should be something that we are watchful for on a daily basis.

Who knows what’s going on in your mind on a daily basis? Who’s there for you on a daily basis? Who knows what’s going on inside your mind on a daily basis? Who can you run to when you have a compromise and need help on a daily basis? Who is available on a daily basis for times like as described in this verse, when we fall and need someone to help us back up? If that time is once a week, you’re going to be laying there on the ground for far too long. Too much damage being done. It’s got to be daily.

So our accountability is not often enough, but it is also not honest enough or not clear enough. It’s too subjective. Someone might ask us, “How’d you do today?” And we say, “Well, I did pretty well.” Now, by that, you could mean anything. You could mean I did better than I did last week. It could mean I did better than I thought I would do. It could mean I did better than you thought I would do. I mean, it could mean anything just under that little phrase, “I did pretty well.” And honestly, most of the time, that’s all that’s communicated. If you say that, even though there’s some gray area, many times an accountability partner is just going to say, “Hey, great, talk to you next week.” But if you want change, you have to shed light on the areas of compromise.

So years ago, I started journaling on a scale of one to ten in thoughts, viewing, and self-gratification, and how I did in a 24-hour period. And that’s something I kept track of just for myself before I was even in accountability with other guys. But now that scale, though again, I’m sure there are many other ways and maybe better ways to describe and keep track of our habits on a daily basis, is written into The Cord App and it has been a way in which men and women can describe specifically how they did in thoughts, viewing, and self-gratification, specifically recognizing smaller compromises also as sin and steps in the wrong direction.

So our accountability is not honest enough. Just remember, the simple principle is what you do not communicate will not change. That’s the idea of this verse. You’re not gonna have someone there to help you up. Even if they’re there, again, the idea is if they don’t know. If you’re not telling them, they don’t know, and they can’t help you. 

So our accountability needs to be daily. Our accountability needs to be honest. But then thirdly, it needs to be with the right person.

Admittedly, this may be where there’s a lot of gray area and may differ from situation to situation. But I think it’s important to take this idea of the threefold cord. By the way, if we go down to verse 12 in the same passage, it says, “And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” The seemingly ideal number there is given for this small group discipleship or accountability, as we’re calling it, and that is the number three. But it’s not just one person that’s reaching down and helping up the other two. That’s generally what we view as discipleship and even accountability. That would be like if you’re going to your pastor for accountability or even your parents at times, it could be a situation like that, asking them to be your accountability partner.

Now, you need to go to your parents and ask them to be your mentor. You need to go to your pastor and ask him to be your pastor, and to let him know what’s going on in your life and get guidance and counsel from him. There is a pastor role that you need. Listen, everybody needs a pastor. Everybody needs a mentor, and everyone needs an accountability partner. They’re all biblical, they’re all required, but they’re usually not the same person. Now, can those roles be carried by the same person? Well, my dad was my mentor, and for a time, he also was my pastor. So sometimes those roles can cross. 

I also know a few young men that are having very effective daily accountability with their dads, and I think that’s great. If that’s the way that your dad wants to do it, and it’s working out that way, fantastic. But don’t be surprised if that is an exception to the rule because that role is the role of a church. Though family roles and church roles can certainly cross, the idea from this passage is three people that are equals, that are equally contributing to the strength of the cord, as well as depending on the strength of the cord for their own integrity. It’s not one holding up the other two, or two holding up one, but it’s all three that are in some ways having mutual discipleship, mutual accountability here. That’s the picture of this passage.

So personally, I think that is more of a picture of the church than it is of the family. So while one should go to his pastor for counsel, for his parents to be mentored, we cannot forget or neglect this final category of the church body, which is where we should get our accountability and discipleship. Personally, I try to have a discussion with my dad once a week to discuss purity, how the week went, and to see if he has any thoughts and counsel. But on a daily basis, I’m accountable to other men. And those two different roles of mentorship and accountability are not at odds with each other at all. In fact, they were both gifts from God. So why not utilize both? So why not utilize both in this specific battle against isolation? 

So the first category that we’re discussing to shore up then in your journey is this area of isolation. Is there somebody, the right somebody, that on a daily basis knows whether or not you have fallen or taken any steps in that direction? If not, then would you take some steps today to get with an accountability partner? Do not let yourself be isolated by the enemy. “Woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up.” Another verse we could go to is James 5:16 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.” And of course, Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” There’s that idea of mutual discipleship again.

Gentlemen, I’m telling you, there’s somebody that God has for you to fill this role and to help you in this area. You may need to take the initiative and go to a friend or someone at church and explain how you’ve struggled, where you’re at, and ask if they’d be willing to be a part of your journey this way. But so many times, if you are willing to start that conversation, it’s going to end up where they say, “Hey, this is something that I actually could use help with too. I’m thrilled. Thanks for bringing it up. Now, yeah, let’s be this for each other.”

Maybe you could go to your pastor and ask him if he knows of someone else in the church who would be willing to be an accountability partner for you. And ladies, I know many times you feel even more alone in this case because it may not be a majority, though it’s close to a majority of women who are struggling in this area. Yet, I can guarantee in the same way, if this is a role that God wants you to have and if accountability is something He has for you, then He must have someone there—someone within reach who He wants you to be involved with in this kind of discipleship. There must be someone. Again, you might need to take that first step or go to a pastor’s wife or a mentor in your life and ask if they know of someone who would be willing. But God does have someone for you. So take the initiative and the step of obedience and find someone for that role. Of course, you’re always welcome to utilize the Cord app if you want to use that for your daily accountability. You can request to be paired in a group. Ideally, you would come to the Cord with someone already, or two other people, ideally already so that you could join together and there are people you already know and have a relationship with. But if that’s not the case, if for whatever reason you are unable to find someone that way, we do have people who just request when they log in to be placed in a group.

In which case, for a young lady, my wife will reach out to you and see what kind of group would be the best fit and see where we can place you. And for the guys, myself or one of my coaches would be in touch with you for the same purpose—to see how we can best place you in a group. So really, no one has an excuse here. I think very likely God has someone locally for you to do this with, but anyone can reach out over the app and be placed in a group as well.

Well, there’s so much more that could be said, but we’re going to wrap it up there for this discussion of isolation. Next month, we will discuss availability, both the biblical principles and practical steps to stay protected in a world that is now inundated with pornography and lust. But that’s all for now, and I trust this discussion has been helpful for you as you go into this coming week and seek to be less gratified and more satisfied with Jesus Christ.