Dave Rains: Good morning, everyone. We’re just friends, aren’t we? Let’s have a little party in here.

Actually, we’ll learn some things, I trust, this morning. We’re going to get started in the book of 1 Peter. I’m not sure I’m an expert on teaching and speaking on this topic, but I’ve seen a lot of things.

I’ve been a youth director, youth pastor type. I’ve been a ministry for a little over five years, I think almost six years now. So, I’ve been able to see and observe a few things.

Of course, I was a teenager too, and a college-age student,

so I’ve experienced the same things you’re going through and thinking about. And so, I trust this topic will be a help to you here this morning. 1 Peter chapter 5, I should turn to myself.

Start with an interesting verse. Greet the brethren with a kiss of charity. When was the last time you went to church, to Sunday school, and greeted all the brethren there with a kiss?

Alright. In our culture, that’s probably not very common, right? That wouldn’t be a natural, normal thing.

I was at our missions conference. We had some other missionaries from other cultures where that’s a little bit more common. But even in those cultures, like a Hispanic world, where there is a lot of that natural kissing one another, it’s still a different kind of a kiss than you might think of when I’m talking to you right now, right? so what I’m wanting to point out this verse kind of gets our brains thinking a little bit

greet the brethren with a kiss but I want you to see and understand it’s natural I think we all understand because we don’t go around kissing everybody that there’s boundaries and different levels of friendship and relationships that we have with one another a kiss, that’s okay for a mom and dad between you and your mom and dad, right? that’s normal, that’s natural for those that are married You understand that’s normal and natural to kiss your spouse.

That’s not normal and natural to go around kissing everybody, right? Okay, so, yeah, we can still have a friendship, right? That’s not the definition of a friendship because you can kiss them, okay?

So, just really simple, really basic. Certain friends deserve a kiss, a hug, a handshake, an attention, a wink, an expression of emotion, sharing deepness of the heart. But not all friends deserve that from you, do they?

So there’s different levels. There’s different boundaries. And I just wanted to point that out as we start here and get us thinking the different types of friendships.

Though we’re going to talk about some specific general types of friendship, there’s obviously lots of boundaries

with the different kinds of relationships that you might have. So I have two points for us here this morning. We’re going to spend most of the time probably on our first point.

And both points are actually worded the same. But the way you say them determines what direction we’re going with it. So our first point, if you’re taking notes, is we’re just friends.

So you just heard the second point as well. We’re just friends. But I want you to underline a word on our first point.

We’re just friends. And underline that word just. Because that’s what we’re going to emphasize here in our first point.

Are you a just friend? Like a true, righteous, godly friend? The Bible has a lot to say about that.

And as I began to read and study and put some different thoughts together, I realized there’s a lot more than what I can say in these 30 minutes

to talk about what a true and righteous, what a just friend it looks like. So, we’re just friends should be the expression that you should say towards one another, towards your relationships in life. Whether it’s a pastor, whether it’s a mom or a dad, brother and sister, Or someone you’re not related to.

You’re a just friend. Wouldn’t that be a good description of your life? So I’m going to point out some different characteristics of what a just friend looks like.

And if you want to take notes, I think I have four of them. I’m sure there’s a lot more that we could have discovered from God’s ear. But I wanted to focus on these four.

And then we’ll look at some different scenarios. We’ll try to define these characteristics. ask some test questions to find out where am I?

What am I thinking about this characteristic of a just friend? So a just friend points each other to the right dependency or to the right dependence. That’s our first characteristic of a just friend.

They point each other to the right dependence. So here’s what I mean. God has put legitimate dependencies in your life and a true friend will lead you to depend on that dependency that God lays for you and nothing else.

When we get our dependence on the wrong thing,

we’re in a problem, aren’t we? So, our number one dependence, you should all know this, it should be Jesus Christ. That’s our number one dependence.

Everything else falls under that category. 1 Peter 5 and verse 7 says, Cast all your care upon him for he careth for you. Who’s that?

That’s Jesus Christ, isn’t it? Jesus is the one who cares the most about you more than anybody else in this world, even your parents or even that person who you think loves you. Jesus cares more for you.

So he tells us, hey, cast all your care upon me. I’m the one that can provide for you. I’m the one that you need to depend on fully.

And I think that’s pretty well understood in a Christian environment that we’re in, right? Jesus is the number one that we should put our dependency on. There’s two more things that I want to point out to you that I think are very important in every relationship or in every individual to make sure that they have this dependency as well.

Jesus, in a sense, is not physically amongst us, right? Okay, so sometimes it’s hard to relate to that and to understand how do I depend on Jesus? How do I talk to him when I can’t audibly hear him?

I can’t visually see him. I can’t go places with him. But obviously we know Jesus is with us at all times.

So, he does give us some human dependencies that we can learn to trust and depend on

that will help us in our dependency on Jesus Christ. So, I want to point a couple of those out. Number one would be your parents.

do you depend upon your parents? do you trust their counsel, their advice? a good friend a true, just friend is going to point you to depend upon your parents and perhaps in general he’s going to point you to authorities and to trust them, to depend upon them to lean upon them, to recognize they’ve been through life perhaps they’re older than you even if they’re not much older than you they’re in a position of authority over you

but certainly your parents are older than you and in a position of authority over you that God has ordained God has established that relationship and that dependency upon your life even in the world out there for your taxes you’re dependent upon your parents so here in the spiritual realm you’re definitely dependent upon your parents you need your parents for guidance for counsel to be trained and taught what is truth Ephesians 6.1. Very familiar verse.

Probably you learned as a little child. Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. So, learning to obey and yield, submit yourself to your parents, is the first step in learning how to depend upon Jesus.

Jesus you can’t see, you can’t audibly hear and talk to. But you can with your parents, right? And God has ordained that as a means for you to learn to depend upon Jesus who you can’t see.

but you can see your parents. So learn that lesson. That’s very important.

The second thing,

you’re in 1 Peter still, I think. So 1 Peter 5 and verse 2 through 5 give us another principle here of a legitimate dependency and that is your pastor. So 2 Peter, I’m sorry, 1 Peter 5 verse 2 says, Feed the flock of God which is among you and here he’s talking to the elder, the bishop, or the pastor.

Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly,

not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind. Neither is being lords over God’s heritage, but being in samples to the flock. And when the chief shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not away.

And verse 5,

Likewise ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility. God resists the proud, giveth grace to the humble.

So here he’s talking specifically to a pastor of a church. And if a pastor has the responsibility of being a shepherd, what does that look like? Does a good shepherd lead the sheep?

Did the sheep like to follow the shepherd that’s being a good shepherd? The sheep learn to trust that shepherd and recognize, hey, he knows what he’s doing. If I go my own path, the sheep always find themselves in trouble, don’t they?

So if a pastor is supposed to lead the sheep according to God’s plan, and God has ordained him to do something,

don’t you think it’s your responsibility to follow your pastor? Don’t you have that responsibility? Absolutely.

There’s quite a few other portions of Scripture that help lead us to that,

but this is just one. For sake of time, that’s all we’ll look at today. But I think that’s pretty well understood.

but I don’t think it’s very well lived out in Christianity and in churches across America. People don’t respect their pastor. They are independent and they think they can make their own choices, but it doesn’t work that way.

We’re sheep. Pastor is the shepherd. God has ordained that.

So, learn to depend upon Jesus,

but in order to do that, you have to learn to depend on your parents. You have to learn to depend upon your pastor and the spiritual authorities that God has put in your life. Now let’s ask a couple questions here to test.

Where are we with my friendship and dependencies in my life? Who do I go to when I’m hurting or troubled? You ever been hurt before in life?

Maybe someone says something or happens often. Parents actually hurt their children. Maybe mom and dad are fighting.

Or, I don’t know, there’s so many different scenarios that we could talk about,

and I’m going to try to contain myself here. But there’s so many ways that you as a young person, college-age student, even adults, we can be hurt. Who do we go to when we’re hurt, when we’re troubled?

I’ve seen this many times within our youth group and even outside of our youth group. Why do you go to them? This is another important question.

Not just who do you go to, but why do you go to that person? Do you know what they’re going to tell you? And is that why you go to that person?

So does that person that you go to when you’re hurt or troubled,

are they leading you spiritually? Do you find comfort in going to them? And that just becomes a natural dependency in your life, that you’re constantly going to this person and you talk about all these things, these relationships, or these things that are going on in your life.

And pretty soon you build up a dependency upon that person. Now there could be some important, definite people that you should be going to constantly. But that person being a true and a just friend is not going to lead you to dependency upon themselves.

They’re going to lead you to a dependency on Jesus,

your parents, your pastor. do you also go to that person because you know they would be upset with you if you didn’t go to them and share with them this gushy information these hurts, these needs that are going on in your life and that person is going to find out at a later time and be upset with you because hey, you’re not really my friend why didn’t you come tell me

doesn’t that show there’s an improper dependency upon one another so there are lots of different tests that you can find out who am I depending upon why am I going to that person are they spiritually leaders in my life and in the lives of those around them are these good friends are they just or is this just somebody that I like to talk to about these things and it feeds my flesh and it feeds what’s going on

and it feeds the hurt that’s in my life okay so that’s very important to learn to put your dependence on Jesus Christ. The second characteristic of a true or just friend is that a just friend will show sacrificial love. Perhaps this is one of the most obvious points that we could look at.

He’s going to show sacrificial love. John 15 and verse 13 says, Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for a friend. That’s real love.

That’s a real friend. Proverbs 17, 17 A friend loveth at all times and there’s many more portions of scripture we could look at about what love sacrificial love is so sacrificial love for another is giving up something of your own for the protection or advancement of someone else is that the kind of friend that you are? is that the kind of friends that you have?

Let’s look at 1 Thessalonians chapter 4. Under this point of what a real friend who is showing sacrificial love, he’s never going to hurt you. A just friend is never going to hurt you.

1 Thessalonians 4, and by hurting, I’m not talking about your friend is never going to punch you. He’s never going to say something mean about you even. I’m not talking about that.

What I’m talking about is found in 1 Thessalonians 4 and verse 3. This is the will of God, even your sanctification, that you should abstain from fornication, that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor, not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God. Now here’s the key verse, that no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter. a real friend

isn’t going to hurt you and the devil is so deceitful that he can make you think that person loves me because I can share all this information we can be buddies we can talk about these things we can do these things and look at how they treat me I need attention in my life and they’re giving it to me they must love me is that what a real just friend does? No, they’re never going to hurt you.

Real love should never be shown outside of marriage. And again, this is a big topic that I think we could spend a lot of time on, and I don’t have the time to go into all of it, but I want us to think here for a moment and just touch this point, that a just friend isn’t going to hurt you. He’s not going to lead you down a path that’s going to cause hurt in your life,

that’s going to cause you to give your heart towards someone who’s not your mom or your dad, or your spouse, or someone that you’re supposed to be giving your heart to. But I see this often. It’s found, it’s very common, it’s a natural thing.

And I suppose I should say that I was a teenager and I made mistakes along this path. So, it’s definitely something I think every teenager is going through. Who’s giving me attention?

Are they doing it for the right reason? Or are they doing it because they’re wanting attention? Are they giving me their heart?

Am I giving them their heart prematurely before a marriage relationship? And it’s going to cause a hurt in my life. A just friend isn’t going to hurt you.

He’s not going to do something that’s going to lead you down a wrong path. That just friend showing sacrificial love will never let someone else suffer without helping them. Philippians 2 and verse 7 talks about Jesus’ example.

And this, not necessarily between a guy-girl relationship, but just a same-gender type of a friendship

is what we’re talking about here in Philippians chapter 2. And verse 7, But Jesus made himself of no reputation and took upon him the form of a servant, was made in the likeness of men. Jesus obviously is our ultimate example of a true and a just friend.

Jesus never let people suffer without helping them. He was always looking to help meet the needs of those around him. He took upon him the form of a servant.

Okay, that’s going to make you a just friend,

if you can learn to be a servant to all those around you. A just friend who’s sacrificial is giving up of his time and his effort to help another. Is that the kind of friend you are?

Do you look for ways to give up of yourself? That’s a picture of a sacrificial friend. He’s not out for himself.

He’s out to help others. And I think perhaps our first point to not hurt one another is probably one of our biggest, most difficult struggles that we go through because it’s a deception, a form of deception from the devil. And he’s making us think, hey, we’re in a love relationship.

We’re helping each other. That person loves me. but they’re taking away things from you. And so I think this sacrificial love is an example of a true friend,

and it’s definitely an important characteristic. And some of those sacrificial love tests that I want us to think about, do I look for what I can give to this friend or what I can get from this friend? If you’re in a guy-girl relationship, you’re looking for what you can get from that person.

In your mind, you’re thinking, I love that person. But the devil’s got you in a trap. Outside of the authority of your parents and your pastor and leadership in your life, and you’re in a guy-girl relationship, I’m telling you, I heard this many times as a teenager, and I couldn’t figure it out.

I can figure it out now. I’m married. I see it.

I see the mistakes I made. And so what I want to encourage you to do is to trust us. Trust what I’m telling you right now about this guy-girl relationship.

Outside of your parents’ authority, outside of marriage, it’s hurting you. But you think that it’s love. And it’s not.

It’s a self-motivation. And it’s not sacrificial. It’s not true love and it’s not a true friend.

So how do I treat those who are not loved by others? Are you a just friend to treat others who aren’t loved? Maybe they’re unlovely for whatever reason.

A just friend is going to go out of his way to help those people and be kind to them. Do I love everybody or just certain people? Would you help anybody the way you help certain people?

Do you know what I mean by that? You find it easy to help that person. But I find it hard to do the same thing to help this person.

Is that a just friend? perhaps this indicates that you like them more than others. Just a simple idea to get you thinking.

You’re walking down the hallway at school and a friend drops his pencil. And it’s one of those friends, you don’t care, you just let it go. No big deal, I’m not going to help him, he’ll figure it out.

But maybe it’s the one you’re trying to get attention,

you’re trying to build a relationship with them. You’re going to go out of your way to help make sure that that happens, right? Is that a just friend?

Doesn’t that indicate perhaps there’s some kind of a selfishness going on in here? I want something from that person and they’re giving it to me. So if I do this for them, another act of kindness, or if I wink at them, hey, they’re going to do something back to me.

That feels good, doesn’t it? That’s a selfish relationship. That’s not a just friend.

That’s not sacrificial love. Do I give help to this person because I know they’re going to give something back in return? That’s a good one to stop and think about. so a true friend a just friend is going to point each other to the right dependency a true friend will show sacrificial love two more points here a true friend is honest pretty simple definition he’s going to tell you the truth every time

don’t you always want to know the truth or do you like being lied to no one likes to be lied to do you John 8.32 says ye shall know the truth and it will set you free. Alright, we want the truth, right? We like to be free.

Proverbs 27 and verse 17 says that, as iron sharpens iron,

so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. Sometimes the friends who are your true friends, that are a just friend, are the ones that hurt you sometimes. Because they give you correction and instruction that you don’t want to hear and that’s not going to come from the friend who’s in it for a selfish relationship.

So, maybe you and another boy or girl, opposite gender and a friendship, or you’re doing things that are maybe out of line,

overstepping boundaries, and another friend points that out to you. That’s a just friend. Are you that kind of a friend?

Or are you the one that’s on the opposite end and you’re trying to avoid those kind of people

that are pointing out problems within your life. Well, the truth will set you free. So don’t ignore that person.

Iron sharpens iron. That’s a true friend who’s going to give you counsel that’s hard to take sometimes. Proverbs 29.

Let’s see if I can think of this verse. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceit. so the ones who are hiding your sin and helping you cover it up that’s actually your enemy the Bible says the one who’s pointing out your problems and hurting you at times it seems like that’s a real friend so good friends always counsel you with the truth even when it points out you’re wrong

a couple simple examples is Jesus and his disciples did Jesus ever correct his disciples okay the disciples realized this is my real friend it hurt them sometimes but they always came back to Jesus because they knew this was a real friend he was sacrificial to them and so that might be important for you to learn to be sacrificial before you start pointing out and correcting one another that might be a good lesson to learn

Jesus and Zacchaeus was another example Jesus and Zacchaeus went to their house what did Jesus do to Zacchaeus? Did he just encourage him in his sin and embellish Zacchaeus?

Hey, you’re a great Pharisee. You’re a great man. No, he pointed out his problem.

But Zacchaeus knew that Jesus loved him. And as a result, Zacchaeus got saved. And he got right with God.

Restored a relationship with the most important friend in all the world. David, King David and Nathan. Did Nathan have, was that easy do you think?

For Nathan to go up to David and point out his sin with Bathsheba. That wasn’t easy. In fact, Nathan thought he might die because here he’s talking to the king and if King David wanted to, he could have had him killed.

So sometimes it’s difficult too to go up to a friend and challenge them

and correct them. But if you’re the type of friend that’s true and righteous and you’re self-sacrificing for one another, that friend who you’re trying to help and correct is going to realize, okay, that’s a real friend. I need to learn to trust them.

So help those friends that are in need that way. Couple honesty tests. Does this friend encourage me to go against Scripture in any way?

If your friends encourage you down a wrong path,

are they a real friend? Does this friend do wrong just like I do? Perhaps you find it easy to communicate with that person and to build a relationship with them because they’re in the same path of sin that you’re in.

They’re going down the same path,

so it’s easy to talk about it. You can be comfortable talking about those things and know you’re not going to be confronted. Trust me, I’ve been there before, so I know what that’s like.

Is this friend seen as a spiritual leader

by peers and authorities? If they’re not, maybe they’re not trustworthy. Maybe that should be a test for you to decide, this isn’t someone I should be building a really close relationship with.

Is this friend known for always doing right? And does this friend ever admit their own wrong, either to you or to another authority? Do you recognize them as one that’s willing to be open and honest and humble?

Okay, those are good characteristics,

and those are the kind of friends you need to look for. And if you don’t have those kind of friends, you need to take a step back and decide, am I going to continue in a relationship that I know is going to hurt me, even though I don’t always see it? Taking obedience is a step of faith many times.

So even in your choice of friendships, it’s a step of faith. Our last point about a just friend, is that a true and a just friend is dependable? Proverbs 18 and 24.

Proverbs 18.24

A man that hath friends must show himself friendly. And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Can you count on this friend all the time?

That’s a true, just friend who’s dependable. Pretty simple point here. I’m not going to spend a lot of time, but a couple test questions.

Are they often full of excuses? That’s usually not a good characteristic of a dependable, trustworthy friend. Do they run from hardship?

Do they keep their word? Practical thing, are they on time? What kind of character do they have that’s going to help you in determining are you a dependable friend?

Are your friends dependable? Are they trustworthy? Look at their character.

Now, the second point. We’re just friends.

Come on. We’re just friends.

There’s nothing going on. There’s nothing wrong here.

We’re not doing anything out of bounds. We’re just friends. In my youth director position, I’ve heard that more than once.

And just give a little bit of time. And they’re not just friends. We see that over and over.

So let me give you a couple scenarios. Under this point, what I want to do is help you to think about some scenarios. And there’s so many scenarios, I can’t cover all of them.

But I want to just get your minds thinking here for a minute. And then as we look at this scenario, let’s look back at our true friend, a just friend characteristics. And see if they break any of those.

So here’s two boys in a room together. No one else is listening to the conversation. They’re talking about the girl that they like.

Or a group of girls, and they’re talking about what interests them,

and this boy, and this boy. That can be a fun conversation, can’t it, in your flesh and in your selfish nature. Do you think that that’s breaking any of those rules and bounds of what a just friend looks like? are they being honest with each other are they talking about the truth are they iron sharpening iron sharpening the countenance of their friend are they going against authority are they submitted to authority if this is a secret friendship

if these are things that they wouldn’t talk about with their pastor or with their parents do you think that they’re hurting each other Are they showing sacrificial love? They’re breaking a lot of these true just friend characteristics. Here’s a boy and a girl that say, Hey, we’re just friends.

You know, we do all these things together,

but we’re just friends. Okay, would they do that interaction with any other boy or with any other girl? Doesn’t that indicate they’re more than just friends?

Doesn’t that indicate they’re giving their hearts to each other? outside of the bounds of marriage? Is that hurting one another?

That’s preparing you for divorce. That’s what that does. That teaches you how to build a relationship with all different kinds of people and then when you get into a marriage relationship, you’re already used to breaking your relationships.

And so it’s no big deal to break your relationship

with your spouse. You see how that hurts? And your spouse doesn’t have all your heart because you’ve given your heart to so many other people.

Your heart spread out all over the world and other people have it. And now you get married and you say you’re giving your life and your heart to that person and they have to go around all over the world to pick up your heart because it’s all over the place. So when a boy and a girl are saying, hey, we’re just friends, you know what, you need to stop and listen.

There’s probably a just friend that’s pointing something out in your life and you’re missing it. Remember, the devil is deceitful. And this is one of his traps that he can get young people.

A boy and a girl who say they have a relationship outside of marriage. Okay, so that’s, you know, a boy and a girl that are in extreme form. There’s definitely, there’s physical contact and there’s all kinds of things going on.

Everybody knows they’re in a relationship. Okay, this is obvious. You’re hurting each other.

You’re breaking that true just friend characteristics all over the place. Friends talking about mistakes of their parents or just talking poorly about parents. Do you have a friend that you talk to about your parents when your parents make a mistake?

And you go to them and talk to them and, hey, come on, my parents are doing this and it just bothers me. Why do you go to that friend and talk to them about that stuff? Are they in the same problem?

Are they encouraging you to disregard your parents and to think poorly of your parents? Or are they helping you spiritually? Are they pointing you, hey, this is a big deal.

Maybe we should go talk to pastor about this. Let’s go talk to the youth pastor. We need to go get some advice from maybe someone older.

Maybe your parents are making a mistake. That happens in life. Get the right counsel and the right friend who’s going to lead you on the right path, not the one that’s just going to encourage you in your problem and in your sin.

You might have friends that talk down about other people. That’s not a good friend either. What do you do when you see your friend falling in sin or doing wrong?

Do you just let them go? Do you let them continue down that path? Or are you the type of friend that’s willing to show sacrificial love?

You’re a friend that’s willing to be honest. You’re a friend that, though it’s difficult, I know God would want me to go help that friend. That’s what a just friend is going to do. he’s going to look for ways to help them so you’re going to go out of your way to try by God’s grace depending on the Lord to help that one who is in air ok so there’s a few scenarios

there’s a lot more that could be said and I want to conclude here and just refresh our memory of these different points what a true friend looks like we’re just friends if you’re just friends, are you hurting one another? Are you pointing one another to the right dependence? Are you showing sacrificial love?

Are you honest with each other? Are you dependable? There’s different levels of friendship and relationships, aren’t there?

I think that’s easily understood. Your parents should have a high established relationship in your life. Your pastor, your youth pastor, spiritual leaders, your Sunday school teacher, your friends.

what kind of a friend, peer group do you have? And are you the type of friend that is a just friend or we’re just friends? Don’t bother me.

You’ve got a wall built up around you and you’re not willing to take advice or correction

and instruction, which indicates a selfish friendship. Why don’t we close here in a word of prayer?