Ryan Swanson: Hello, and welcome back to the Satisfied Program here on the Thee Generation Podcast. My name is Ryan Swanson and I’m excited to get into another segment on moral integrity. Now, we’re beginning a new series today, one that we’ve led up to for a couple of weeks here, and today’s going to be kind of a broad overview of the issue of emotional impurity. We began our Satisfied Program with looking almost exclusively at physical impurity, and many of those podcasts were about accountability, breaking that down, realizing the value of it, and what that will look like practically. Then, we kind of took a break from the ultra practical and just went and looked at what does a relationship with the Lord look like? We’ve got the tools, we’ve discussed the tools that we need, but what are the truths, what is the relationship, that is going to carry me through this. We looked a lot about a biblical foundation and a real vibrant relationship, daily relationship with Jesus, and I trust that has already made a difference for you. 

But, there is one issue that I have been blown away at how much response and requests there are for feedback on this issue, and it’s beyond that of the physical struggle addiction. Beyond anything we’ve talked about, I’m getting more and more requests for help with emotional impurity. So like I said, today we are going to introduce this topic. 

If you had asked me several months ago, even, if I expected to do a podcast on emotional impurity, there’s no way — because I did not see this as a related or as a primary issue like I did the sexual addiction. A lot of that is because the emotional addiction was not necessarily my primary struggle. Mine was definitely more on the sexual addiction side. And so from personal testimony and from coming from a victory journey over the sexual addiction, then I have maybe more experience and authority to speak on that. On this issue of emotional impurity, it’s one that’s really been new to me. And so for the reason of not thinking it was a very broad and popular issue, I haven’t discussed it. 

And then secondly, just in not understanding the vitality of discussing this point, not understanding the severity of the issue has really kept me from focusing on it. So over the last several months, I’ve been meeting with different individuals who have brought it up to me — some who have struggled with it, some who are struggling with it, and I’ve discussed it with them and why it is such a concern on their heart. Coming from that standpoint and also a standpoint in counseling both single individuals as well as married individuals on this issue — I’ve also sat down with the Dean of Men from Baptist College of Ministry, who happens to be my dad if you didn’t know that, and because he counsels on this issue regularly, week to week, if not day to day, and his insights have been extremely helpful as well to bring us to this point. 

I’ve already mentioned that I did not see emotional purity as a primary issue that we need to be discussing with teenagers, but I want to tell you kind of what changed my thinking on that over the last few months. 

As I began working through these accountability groups with different ones and began expanding more and more, there was eventually one young man who… asked if he could add a fourth scale. So we had a scale in thoughts, one in self-gratification, and then one in viewing. This gentleman wanted to add a scale for emotions so that he could be kept accountable in that fourth area. Now of course I’m not going to tell him no, but I’m thinking, is that really as important as everything else? But as he began checking in and giving the ratings, I saw what a big deal this was to him. He was not going to be satisfied until he was absolutely out of 10 in emotions. He wasn’t cutting himself any slack at all. He knew what it meant to fall emotionally in his heart. He was not content with any compromise in that area. Pretty soon as these groups begin to expand and grow and multiply, I start hearing of other guys doing the same thing. and it became almost a norm for a lot of the guys, “oh yeah, we’ve got our four scales here that they’re working through,” and I’d say, “well, what’s the fourth one?” And they’d say, “emotions.” And it kind of bugged me for a while because, it just, again, did not seem like a primary issue at all. 

But I began to see that there’s a dichotomy, in other words, there’s really two different types of addictions that we’re dealing with. My point is not to exaggerate this and make it seem like the solution is way different, but I think it’s helpful to understand this. One way you can decide whether you have a sexual addiction or whether you have an emotional addiction is to ask yourself and just think back when you struggle mentally, what are you thinking about? When you are indulging in self-gratification, what are you indulging in mentally? What’s going through your mind? Are you thinking about someone in particular? Someone you can name? Someone you can meet? Someone you’ve talked to? Or is this just an anonymous person? Maybe someone you saw, maybe someone you’re making up in your mind, but there is no name to it or there is no potential of you ever meeting this person. If that is the case and this is an anonymous person and the only reason you are focusing on them is because it feels good to indulge in lust after them in your mind, then that’s a sexual addiction. There is no emotional value because there is either no name or no potential of interaction with that person. However, if it is a specific name or person that you are focusing on in your mind that is the center of your lust, then that is actually emotional addiction. Now I’m not saying there’s no gray area or overlap between the two, and I think many struggle with both. 

However, at any given time it’s helpful for you to know where the devil is attacking you. If this is an emotional attack, or if this is a sexual addiction, or if this is an emotional addiction. And many times I think a guy will struggle primarily with one of the two. Now this is not to say that one addiction is better or worse than the other. It’s just again, helpful in the diagnosis of the issue. So, we’ve established there’s really two different types of addictions here. And I’ve come to understand this as these gentlemen are checking into the groups and saying, “yes, I struggled mentally and self gratification and it was while focusing on this one person.” 

Now, from the beginning, I assumed that it was a minority of those that had an emotional addiction. In other words, I thought it was a minority of those who would picture a specific person when they were lusting, when they were involved in self-gratification. I thought that was a minority. Well, I thought the rest of us, those were completely separate. The emotions side and who we planned to marry and who we were admiring and thinking on, that was separate. And then physical and the lusting sexually in our mind was its own category. Those were two separate things. I thought that for sure I was in the majority of that way of someone that struggles with a physical, a sexual addiction. However, I’ve quickly learned that is not the case. I mean if anything it might be a 50-50. It may be that more men and women are struggling on the emotional side. Now let me remind you this is not to say that one is better or worse than the other have a detrimental finish. When it leads in the indulgence, both are extremely detrimental in the worst ways possible. One addiction is not any worse or better than the other. 

Now this leads us to our next issue. It could be said that sexual or mental purity is every man’s battle and emotional purity is every woman’s battle. Now, this is true, but I think it needs to be clarified. Every man has to come to grips with this issue, has to find integrity in this matter, has to build integrity in this matter of sexual and mental purity. While every woman has to develop a battle plan for the emotional side, and that may be a daily struggle for her. However, I say this needs to be clarified because by no means are these exclusive groups. There are many, many men who are struggling emotionally. I think, nearing to the point that are struggling physically. And there are many, many women who are struggling physically and sexually with addictions nearing to the point I think that are struggling emotionally. Maybe at one point we thought that these were; this was a complete dichotomy where men struggle physically and sexually, women struggle emotionally. However, that is definitely a false dichotomy. There are men and women on both sides of the addictions, and both need help. 

Going back to the issue of emotional impurity, Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life.” Now, one note is that this whole book of Proverbs was written from Solomon to who? His sons. So talking about keeping your heart an emotional issue, would generally be relegated to a women’s discussion. However, this was specifically given to men. He was given to his sons. My point is not to say that it is given exclusively for application to men. However, men are certainly not excluded from a discussion on this matter of emotional purity. Here Solomon says that from this issue, this root, this literal heart issue, comes every other issue that we could discuss. All the issues of life begin here with a struggle in emotional impurity. 

So let’s define — what is exactly a struggle in emotions? When someone says I’m struggling in emotions or asking you do you struggle in emotional impurity, what does that even mean? Is this something that is just for single people? In other words, for those that are still available, who are vulnerable because they have no one who they can appropriately and biblically be attached to emotionally? Or is this something that is for married people as well? Or some may say this is just for married people. The period of singleness is a time when your emotions are supposed to lead you to an individual for marriage. Is that biblical? Is that possible? These are things that we may not say, but certainly, our practice betrays and shows this kind of thinking. 

Now, I think a big reason that I personally did not see emotional impurity as big an issue as it is, is because I thought it ended at marriage. I thought if someone is struggling with this, I mean, everything is going to be fulfilled emotionally when they finally get the person that they are seeking, when they get that spouse and they are married, won’t that end everything? It seems like that would just be the culmination of all emotional desires, and then they have their spouse and they wouldn’t struggle with that anymore. 

However, I cannot tell you the level of frustration and fear in the eyes of married men who have explained to me the struggle with emotions with another person in their church, in their work, in their ministry, wherever they’re at. It is a scary, scary thing. I mean, we’re talking about top of the line guys. We’re talking about guys in ministry, serving the Lord, who have been married a couple of years, and then some other girl in the church gets their attention. And I’m not saying they’re running off with her right now. I’m just saying these guys are sensitive and understanding, I’m starting to be attracted – I’m starting to enjoy someone else’s spouse instead of my own. Now, that right there sets red flags off in every listener’s mind. 

However, do we just relegate the indulgence in emotional impurity to at that point in marriage to where everybody knows it’s wrong, to where everybody can see the issue? Where did that begin? These men and women who are struggling now in marriage — where did that issue come from? It came because they never experienced emotional impurity when they were single. And now they are fighting a tooth and nail battle, which is extremely scary, not to mention what it does to their spouse. Now, if someone comes with a sexual addiction, and talks to their spouse, and lays it out and says, “this is really what I’m struggling with — I need your help. I am lusting after mentally, be it pornography or whatever it is, these are not people I know. This is a sexual addiction.” That is obviously detrimental to these wives that are going through this, and Lord willing, they will find grace and be able to help their husbands through and be a partner through. We’re seeing that happen. It is a glorious thing when that works out and the Lord gives healing on both sides of the equation and as a partner and as a couple together they can work through this. 

But young person, I want you to imagine the future, to you coming to your spouse and to telling them, you know what, I need to be open about something with you. I love you, however, there is someone else in the church who I have been struggling with also having feelings for. Now this isn’t just saying there’s an anonymous person. It’s not just saying there is a pornography that’s been involved, but you’re saying there is someone I know who I like in addition to you. How do you think that’s going to go over with them? We’re talking about crushing spouses with this news. How are you ever going to convince them again that they are the only one you care about in your life? That they are the only one you really deeply love? That they are the only one that you appreciate that much. How are you ever going to prove that to them? 

My point is not to say it can’t be done, and that God doesn’t do miracles and isn’t doing miracles to heal similar situations. My point is for the young person that’s listening who has not yet faced that moment. I’m asking you to consider your heart. Consider your emotions. Would you take this issue seriously, and over the next several months, seek to be helped in this area? Allow the Lord to point things out in your heart that are off — that are wrong. This is not just a women’s issue. This is not just a man’s issue. This is not just a single’s issue. This is not just an issue for married people. 

So then again, what does it look like to struggle in this area? Is it just to notice someone of the opposite gender? To like them? Or is it only after you begin a relationship with them that you need to be guarded? We are going to talk about a progression. A progression at this point, as my wife and I have worked this through, nine steps towards indulgence in emotional impurity. I’ll just run through them now, but we’re going to break this down. It starts with noticing, then appreciating, admiring, pondering, fantasizing, planning, pursuing, initiating, and then finally indulging. Where are you on the spectrum? What are you comfortable with? What is sin on the spectrum? And what is acceptable? We’re going to be discussing those things in the coming months and show you the only way to be sure that you never end up in indulgence. Something that will have application for I think every person that is listening. 

So again, ask the Lord to point out things in your heart that are wrong. This is where all the other issues come from. Leave it in His hands to point out and to change things in your life as He points them out. That’s going to be all we have time to discuss today and I look forward to next time as we begin diving into more of the issue and discussing where the true problems lie.

Before we conclude, though, I just want to put out one request. I’ve mentioned several times, and we have given a full series as I said before on the aspect of accountability focusing largely on the Marco Polo groups that we have begun and used. If you are not yet involved in one of those groups and you would like to be; you see that as something that would be beneficial to you to have daily accountability, you can go back to some of our early podcasts to hear more about that if you missed them. But if that’s something you’d like to be involved in, please reach out to me at satisfied@theegeneration.org. Shoot me an email, let me know, and include your phone number in that. I will put that in my contacts. When you join Marco Polo, it will give me a notification that you are on. I’ll send you a message kinda letting you know how it’s gonna work and then we can get you plugged in, Lord willing, with another group of men or ladies that will be helpful for you in the coming weeks, months, and maybe even years. 

So like I said, we have more and more of these coming up. However, I understand that there are still men and women out there who have not yet been. plugged into these groups that would like to be. I have men right now who don’t have a complete group of three, which is definitely recommended and that’s coming straight from Ecclesiastes, the three-fold cord. If that’s something you’d like to be involved in, shoot me an email satisfied@theegeneration.org and I will be happy to get you plugged into one of those groups as quickly as possible. Again, thanks for joining us as we’ve begun this series. We’re looking forward to it. and I welcome any feedback along the way. Shoot an email to the same address and I’ll look forward to that. Join us next time as we dive more into this issue and take further steps to be less gratified and more satisfied with Jesus Christ.